Warrior... Princess

KING: “May I present my daughter, Diana "Princess of Treus" and heir to my throne. My dear, this is Xena Warrior Princess.”
DIANA: “Amazing. It’s like looking in a mirror, before I’ve brushed my hair.”
KING: “Uh, Diana, could you leave Xena and me alone for awhile.”
DIANA: “Oh, but Papa!”
KING: “Diana, please.”
DIANA: “Huh!”
KING: “I didn’t want to talk about the attempts on her life in front of her. She’s upset enough as it is. And now, perhaps, you understand the earlier confrontation.”
XENA: “I was mistaken for her.”
KING: “I heard from my cousin, Sisyphus, of the remarkable resemblance you bore to my daughter. Um, when I heard you were in the area, I thought it was fated that you help us.”
XENA: “There are plenty of people out there who could use my help And they don’t live in castles surrounded by guards.”
SOLDIER: “Sir The assassin has escaped.”
KING: “As you see, our guards are not doing well. Somehow, the assassins get past them. This is the second attempt on Diana’s life.
XENA: “I sympathize...”
KING: “I’m told that, of late, you have become a fighter for justice. Now, what is more just than putting the slave-traders out of business?”
XENA: “What are you talking about?”
KING: “Diana is to marry Mineus of Libarium the day after tomorrow. Now, when Diana and Mineus are married, the two kingdoms will be united under our constitution. Our laws strictly forbid slavery.”
XENA: “I bet that doesn’t sit too well with the rich slave-traders of Liberium.”
KING: “This wedding is her chance at happiness, and this is being threatened by the greed of slave-traders. As a king, and as a father, I implore your help.”
XENA: “So, you want me to masquerade as the princess.”
KING: “Just until the wedding.”
XENA: “She’ll have to go into hiding outside the castle.”
KING: “No, no, I couldn’t possibly allow that. She hasn’t left this castle since her mother was killed.”
XENA: “Even better No one will know who she is. Look, the people who are trying to kill your daughter will be looking for her here. Someone inside the castle is working with the slavers. This is where the danger is.”
XENA: “Name?”
KING: “Tesa.”
XENA AS DIANA: “Ah, Tesa I’m sorry if I was a bit curt with you before. I wanted you to like my costume. It’s for a ball we’re having after the wedding.”
TESA: “Oh, your Highness, that’s a wonderful costume for a ball. I didn’t understand what it was for. Would you like to have croesus tonight?”
XENA AS DIANA: “Croesus?”
KING: “delicacy.”
XENA AS DIANA: “Yes, I love Croesus.”
TESA: “And quail’s eggs for breakfast?”
XENA AS DIANA: “Fine.”
TESA: “Akhbash now?”
XENA AS DIANA: “Definitely.”
XENA AS DIANA: “Well, I’m famished, A few bites of Akhbash is just what I need.”
TESA: “Excuse me, your Highness? You want to eat Akhbash?”
XENA AS DIANA: “Oh, yeah, Just joking.”
XENA: “Who’s here from Liberium?”
DIANA: “Only my fiance’’s brother, Philemon. He negotiated the terms of the marriage. I’m supposed to meet my future husband later on today when he arrives.”
XENA: “You mean, you have never met your husband to be.”
DIANA: “No.”
XENA: “That’s good.”
DIANA: “Unless you have to spend the rest of your life with him. But I’m optimistic. If he’s anything like his brother, that’d be wonderful!”
XENA: “So, you like this Philemon.”
DIANA: “Oh, yes, he’s brave and noble, with sky blue eyes and fawn colored hair. So, how do I look? This seems too big. A necklace?”
XENA: “Hay, be careful with that. It’s not a piece of jewelry; it’s a weapon.”
DIANA: “Ooooh, How does it work?”
XENA: “You throw it. Leave it there, it looks great on you.”
DIANA: “I was just trying to give it some color it seems so awfully dark.”
XENA: “Well, you have to convince people that you’re me, and I like dark. Now, stand up straight. Push your shoulders back. Plant your feet, like this. Well, it’s a start.”
DIANA: “Thank you for risking your life for me. This experience pretending to be you, I mean it’ll be good for me. I’ll be among the little people, learning of their concerns.”
XENA: “Well, the first thing you should learn is not to call them little people. Meet my friend, Gabrielle, on the north road. Give her this. She’ll take care of you.”
DIANA: “No, that’s the front.”
XENA: “Oh Thanks.”
XENA: “I suppose this would qualify as fawn hair, let’s see if you have sky blue eyes.”
PHILEMON: “Your Highness did you see them?”
XENA AS DIANA: “No, no. You scared them all away, Philemon.”
PHILEMON: “I should have been by your side, your highness.”
XENA AS DIANA: “Well, it was a lovely thought.”
PHILEMON: “Thank you. Lucky I was early. Remember, you wanted to take a walk with me? But, since there was another attempt, maybe we shouldn’t.”
XENA: “No, no. I feel very safe with you. I’d like to take a walk around the whole castle, if it’s possible.”
PHILEMON: “Of course. This way.”
XENA AS DIANA: “And your brother, is he like you?”
PHILEMON: “You always ask me that, and I always tell you the same thing. He’s a gentleman and a scholar. I am merely a negotiator.”
XENA AS DIANA: “Well, tell me again how you feel about your kingdom freeing the slaves.”
PHILEMON: “You know how I feel, it will make me very proud of Liberium.”
XENA AS DIANA: “And your brother?”
PHILEMON: “You know he believes strongly in emancipation. Why are you asking me these questions?”
XENA AS DIANA: “Well, my father thinks it’s the pro-slave faction who’s trying to kill me.”
PHILEMON: “I assure you. All the Liberium contingent coming here today support emancipation of the slaves. We would free them right now, if it weren’t for the ancient bylaws. Everything will work out fine. My brother is marrying a beautiful, intelligent woman, whose face and smile light a room brighter than sunlight. And when he hears you play the harp.”
XENA AS DIANA: “The harp?”
PHILEMON: “His heart will break as mine broke; and he will feel about you as I do.”
XENA AS DIANA: “And, how’s that?”
PHILEMON: “That this is the best possible marriage for him. Shall we? I don’t suppose you know them, do you?”
XENA AS DIANA: “No, I don’t.”
PHILEMON: “Stay behind me. This could get ugly.”
XENA: “You have no idea.”

ACT II

PHILEMON: “Don’t worry, Princess I can handle this.”

Fight

PHILEMON: “Your Highness, you’re running the wrong way!”
BAD GUY: “Hey, hey, fellas, wait for me!”
XENA AS DIANA: “Ah, here. Hold here and press down hard. It’ll stop the bleeding. You were so brave.
GABRIELLE: “The woe of hearts long dead Pounds soundly in my head. For a Warrior Princess lives
In a world of broken,broken bives? mives? sieves? Broken sieves, It could work. Could you please move? You’re blockig my sunlight.”
BAD GUY: “I’ll gladly return the sun, for a price.”
GABRIELLE: “Sunlight is free from the gods.”
BAD GUY: “Not from me. Give me your purse.”
GABRIELLE: “Listen, you really don’t want to do this. It could prove to be dangersous to your health.”
GABRIELLE: “Xena! Xena!”
BAD GUY: “You look good for a gold piece or twenty.”
DIANA AS XENA: “Papa, Papa!”
GABRIELLE: “OK, I just wish you would give me some warning when you’re going to test me like that.”
DIANA: “Gabrielle?”
GABRIELLE: “Yes? Are you all right? What happened at the castle? So, you’re Princess Diana, who just happens to look exactly like Xena? Hah! It’s test day, isn’t it? Well, you’re gonna have to do better than that.”
DIANA: “You mean, you don’t believe I’m Princess Diana?”
GABRIELLE: “Hmmm, not for a minute.”
DIANA: “But you’ve got to. I can’t pretend to be Xena without you’re giving me a few pointers. I haven’t been out of the castle in years. I got lost three times on the way here, and I’m missing my father already. And now, you don’t even believe I’m me. You think I’m Xena. Well, I can’t be Xena, ‘Cause, I’m not Xena!”
GABRIELLE: “You’re not Xena.”
DIANA: “No, I’m Princess Diana.”
GABRIELLE: “My goodness, the resemblance is amazing. I’m honored to meet you, Princess.”
DIANA: “I don’t think you should be doing that. I’m not me, remember.”
GABRIELLE: “Right.”
DIANA: “Tell me what to do to be a convincing Xena.”
GABRIELLE: “Well, for starters, stop crying.”
DIANA: “Right. I’ll stop. I’m trying.”
TESA: “Princess, you have to get ready for the reception. Your husband-to-be has arrived.”
XENA AS DIANA: “Oh, goody!”
TESA: “832, 833, 834, 835, 836.”
XENA AS DIANA: “How much longer?”
TESA: “The usual, your Highness,a full 1000 strokes. You wanna look your best for Mineus.”
XENA AS DIANA: “My hair has never looked so good. It doesn’t need
anymore brushing.”
TESA: “Only 200 more to go.”
XENA AS DIANA: “I tell you what, uh we’ll do 1200 strokes tomorrow to make up for it.”
KING: “Philemon told me of the latest assassination attempt.”
XENA: “Yes, I went back later to follow their tracks. When they ran away, they didn’t go out the gates. They entered the castle. Someone inside, someone with a lot of control over who comes and goes around here is working with them.”
KING: “Most disturbing. We have a traitor in our midst. Mineus, my future son-in-law, has arrived, and the banquet in his honor is due to start soon.”
XENA: “I’m ready to meet him. What’s wrong?”
KING: “I could excuse you by saying the princess has been taken ill. This is a very dangerous test of your believability as Diana. The banquet will be full of people who have known Diana since childhood.”
XENA: “That’s exactly where I wanna be. One of them might be the traitor. Don’t worry, I’ll handle it.”
MAN: “Greetings, your Highness.”
W0MAN: “Greetings, your Highness.”
MINEUS: “She’s attractive enough, but her courtsey is abominable. You said her manners are impeccable.”
PHILEMON: “They were until now.”
XENA: “Who’s the walking gem-mine?”
KING: “That’s Glauce, my ambassador to Liberium.”
XENA: “Looks like a used chariot salesman. You’re paying him too much.”
KING: “Liberians like to give gifts to visitors. Some of them are very wealthy.”
XENA: “Like the slave-traders? Who’s he talking to?”
KING: “Bromeus, my top general. They’re both above suspicion. Glauce has obeyed my instructions perfectly in arranging this entire marriage. He hasn’t got an evil spot in his whole body.”
XENA: “Now, come on. We’ve all got that evil spot somewhere.”
SERVANT: “Your Majesty and royal guests; dinner is served.”
GLAUCE: “To the most beautiful bride under Zeus’s sun.”
MAN: “Here, here.”
PHILEMON: “It’s beautiful.”
XENA AS DIANA: “I have a toast: To the end of slavery in Liberium.”
ALL: “End of slavery.”
XENA AS DIANA: “To the end of corruption in our kingdoms.”
ALL: “To the end of corruption.”
XENA AS DIANA: “Death to traitors in our midst... Did I do that right, Father?”
KING: “Perfectly, just as I told you. Although I think you may have overreacted a little on the last one. Bring on the feast.”
MINEUS: “Now, I have a toast: To my wife-to-be. I understand that you’re an accomplished musician.”
XENA AS DIANA: “No, not really, no.”
PHILEMON: “She’s an artist on the harp.”
GLAUCE: “Let’s hear the princess play.”
KING: “I am very hungry.”
PHILEMON: “Please Diana, play for us.”
XENA AS DIANA: “As you wish.”

ACT III

KING: “It appears the strings have been strung too tightly. Maybe another day.”
DIANA: “833, 834, 835, 836.”
GABRIELLE: “I think that’s plenty.”
DIANA: “Really? It looks so flat and dull.”
GABRIELLE: “Uh horses’ tails are supposed to be flat and dull.”
DIANA: “Why are you throwing those rags on the soil?”
GABRIELLE: “It’s gonna be dark soon; I think we should get some sleep.”
DIANA: “I agree, but why are you putting those? We’re sleeping on the ground?”
GABRIELLE: “That’s what Xena does.”
DIANA: “Boy, I sure am hungry. I could eat a whole pickled croesus on my own.”
GABRIELLE: “Couldn’t we all? Um, I’m not much of a hunter. Not like Xena. You’ll have to make do with this.”
DIANA: “What is it?”
GABRIELLE: “Cheese.”
DIANA: “I’ve got some dinars. We could go out to an inn and get some real food.”
GABRIELLE: “Just try the cheese; it may not be as bad as you think.”
DIANA: “What?”
GABRIELLE: “You may look like Xena, but you’re nothing alike.”
DIANA: “Philemon thinks that I’m a delicate flower. Far too frail to eat bread and cheese and endure a night under the stars. Did I ever tell you that I haven’t been outside the castle walls but twice?”
GABRIELLE: “More times than you’ve actually been outside the castle walls.”
DIANA: This experience will enrich me, and allow me to better rule my kingdom. Yes! At last, I am one of the little, the ordinary people. And when I’m Queen, I won’t be locked away in my castle. No, I will go out to my people, and, and I will share their simple joys. And, and I’ll know their hearts.”
DIANA: “Aaaah! Who is that horrible little man?”
GABRIELLE: “He’s one of the ordinary people, whose simple joy you wanted to share.”
DIANA: “Oh.”
MAN: “Hello. Do, do you have any extra crumbs for a starving man and his family?”
DIANA AS XENA: “Starving? There’s no one starving in my, in this kingdom.”
MAN: “Whatever you say, Miss.”
GABRIELLE: “Wait. I think you could use this more than us.”
MAN: “Oh, thank you, thank you.”
DIANA AS XENA: “You said you had a family. Where are they?”
MAN: “It’s all right! That’s them. We’re gonna stay in the woods until I find some work.
DIANA AS XENA: “Oh.”
XENA AS DIANA: “Philemon, what are you doing here?”
PHILEMON: “Care for some fruit? What have you done with Princess Diana? Where have you taken her?”
XENA: “Her father sent her away for her own safety. How did you know?”
PHILEMON: “Lots of things. Like, just now, when I tossed you that orange. Diana can’t catch. I first became suspicious when you tended my bloody nose. The princess faints at the sight of blood. Who are you?”
XENA: “My name is Xena.”
PHILEMON: “Xena? Amazing. Do you know who’s behind the attacks?”
XENA: “Whoever stands to gain the most from her murder. Maybe you.”
PHILEMON: “I would never harm her. She is the most magnificent creature ever to walk the earth. Her smile is daylight itself. Her, her voice is sweet as a siren’s song.”
XENA: “How long have you been in love with her?”
PHILEMON: “From the first day I laid eyes on her.”
PHILEMON: “How does it work?”
XENA: “Like this.”
XENA: “It’s sizzlin’ tonight, don’t you think?”
ASSASSIN: “Who are you? You, you’re not the princess.”
XENA: You got that right, Plato. Now, why are you trying to kill her? Your blood flow has stopped. And you’re doomed to die a painful death, unless you tell me who your contact inside is.”
ASSASSIN: “It was the king’s general, Bromeus. It was him who hired me.
KING: “Why? Why Bromeus? He’s always been my loyal Marshall General, as was his father before him.”
XENA: “Maybe the slave-traders got to him with a bribe.”
GLAUCE: “I understand you suspect Bromeus to have something to do with the treachery.”
KING: “As terrible as it seems, it appears he’s involved.”
GLAUCE: “How sad.”
GLAUCE: “He killed himself rather than deal with the disgrace of being found out as a traitor.”
KING: “With the leader of the conspiracy dead, the danger is over. I’m gonna get Diana. Thank you, Xena.”
GLAUCE: “Xena! That explains a lot. I’m talking about the harp incident, of course. I join the king in extending our gratitude for saving the princess. Cut him down.”
PHILEMON: “When she returns, the wedding will go as planned.”
XENA: “Only if you let it. Tell Diana you love her.”
PHILEMON: “My brother is first-born. Diana is rightfully his.”
XENA: “Diana belongs to no one but herself, and the sooner you both realize that, the better off your kingdoms will be.”
MAN: “Thank you, Xena, for buying this food. It’s the first good meal we’ve had in a while.”
DIANA AS XENA: “I assure you, that all the corruption which has stopped royal aid getting to the poor will come to an end. I know the king personally. He’ll hear about this.”
GIRL: “Thank you, Xena. What’s this?”
DIANA AS XENA: This? It’s my round killing thing.”
GABRIELLE: “Chakram.”
DIANA AS XENA: “Bless you. I use it to fight evil.”
GIRL: “Tell us about it.”
DIANA AS XENA: Well, like the time when I had to kill a lot of centaurs. Not centaurs, uh, I mean, Cyclops. Hundreds of them. I took care of them all with my trusty round thing.”
GIRL : “Show us how it works.”
GABRIELLE: “Would you like a piece of bread?”
DIANA AS XENA: “All right. See that tree over there?”
GABRIELLE: “No!”
GIRL: “Good shot!”
DIANA: “I’m telling you, Papa, they have nothing. I listened to them. Bromeus wasn’t the only corrupt official in our midst. We have to make sure that the charity intended for the poor actually gets to them.”
XENA: “I take it your journey among the ‘little people’ was educational.”
DIANA: “You were right. They’re not little at all. They’re grand and they’re warm, and, and they deserve so much more from us.”
KING: “We can discuss all this later. You have a future husband to meet.”
PHILEMON: “Welcome home, your Highness. My brother looks forward to his introduction.”
DIANA: “Arise, Philemon. We’re soon to be family.”
GABRIELLE: “Nice place. A girl could get used to this.”
XENA: “Well, don’t. We’re leaving here as soon as I can get out of this outfit.”
GABRIELLE: “I like it.”
XENA: “We’re going to be in Corinth by nightfall. I can’t wait to get my stuff back from Diana.”
GLAUCE: “With Xena out of the way, killing Diana will be easy.”

ACT IV

MINEUS: “When the wedding vows take place, it’s, um, all official, correct?”
PHILEMON: “Yes.”
MINEUS: “Good, good.”
PHILEMON: “You think you can love her?’
MINEUS: “Who?”
PHILEMON: “Diana, who do you think?”
MINEUS: “Oh, Diana? Love her? I don’t know, we’ll see.”
PHILEMON: “If it’s all right with you, I’ll head back home right after the wedding. You’ll want to be alone with your bride, and there’s nothing really left for me to do.”
MINEUS: “Whatever.”
SOLDIER: “Excuse me, sir, we had to borrow this chair from your room. If you’ll allow me, I’ll return it now.”
MINEUS: “Certainly.”
PHILEMON: “What did you need the chair for?”
SOLDIER: “To stand on when we cut down that swine who hung himself.”
PHILEMON: “There was nothing to stand on in his room.”
SOLDIER: “No, sir. Not a thing.”
PHILEMON: “He had to have been murdered, your highness. There was nothing for him to stand on to hang himself.”
XENA AS DIANA: “What can this mean?”
PHILEMON: “The conspiracy has not yet been crushed. Your life is still in danger. The wedding must be cancelled.”
XENA AS DIANA: “No! No, we can’t let these terrors stop us from doing what’s right. Go find Xena. Bring her back.”
PHILEMON: “I can’t leave you alone.”
XENA AS DIANA: “Please, Philemon, do as I ask. I’m asking you from my heart.”
GLAUCE: “We’ll kill two birds with one stone.”
TESA: “Your Highness looks beautiful.”
LADY IN WAITING: “The princess’ veil.”
MINEUS: “Glauce, well all your negotiations are about to reach fruition.”
GLAUCE: “You’re not nervous, are you?”
MINEUS: “Why should I be nervous?”
GLAUCE: “It’s your wedding day.”
MINEUS: “Oh! Well, yes.”
GLAUCE: “Here’s where you will crown your bride and join our kingdoms, for better or for worse.”
PHILEMON: “Xena!”
DIANA AS XENA: “What is it?”
PHILEMON: “It’s urgent you return to the castle. Bromeus was murdered obviously, by other conspirators. The princess is still in danger.”
GABRIELLE: “I’ll just uh, uh, don’t mind me, I’m fine.”
GLAUCE: “She is a tribute to you, your Highness.”
MINEUS: “ This is who I’m marrying?”
GLAUCE: “It’s the Warrior Princess, which means Diana’s someplace else, probably unprotected. Let’s go.
XENA AS DIANA: “Didn’t anybody ever tell you it’s rude to leave before the cake’s cut.”
MINEUS: “I don’t know if this is the best time, but, uh, I’m not marrying this woman.”
DIANA AS XENA: “Whoa, Argo.”
PHILEMON: “Xena, what are you doing? We must hurry.”
DIANA AS XENA: “There’s something that’s been bothering me.”
PHILEMON: “What?”
DIANA AS XENA: Did you tell Diana you love her?”
PHILEMON: “How can you think about that now? Her life is in danger.”
DIANA AS XENA: “She’ll be fine. This is much more important.”
PHILEMON: “More important than her life.”
DIANA AS XENA: “Did you tell her?”
PHILEMON: “No.”
DIANA AS XENA: “Why not?”
PHILEMON: “Because I don’t think she loves me.”
DIANA AS XENA: That’s not true. I do.”
PHILEMON: “Diana.”
DIANA AS DIANA: “Philemon.”
GABRIELLE: “It’s so romantic, isn’t it?”
XENA: “Very.”
GABRIELLE: “I hope I find someone who’ll make me smile like that.”
XENA: “I’m sure you will. Just don’t be afraid to speak up when it happens. Of course, that’s never been a problem with you, has it?”
GABRIELLE: “She’s so beautiful. Look how her hair shines.”
XENA: “Well, they sure brush it enough.”
GABRIELLE: “Wait till you see Argo’s tail. What was it like being her?”
XENA: “Not as much fun as you would think.”
GABRIELLE: “Really?”
XENA: “Mm,Hmm.”
GABRIELLE: “You had people waiting on you hand and foot, fulfilling your every whim.”
XENA: “Hey, that’s what you’re here for.”
GABRIELLE: You had all the riches a person could desire, and you didn’t enjoy that.”
XENA: “It’s just not me. Oooh! Thank you. Try one of these, they’re incredible. We had them for dessert every night. I didn’t say I couldn’t get used to it. Thank you.”