TEASER

GABRIELLE: “Hah! Hmm? Wanna try it again? OK. Hah!”
XENA: Whistles
GABRIELLE: “Uh-oh. I hate it when you do that. I have to practice.”
XENA: “Not on my horse. I wish the two of you would just get along.”
GABRIELLE: “It’s not like we’re at constant war or anything, Argo doesn’t like me.”
XENA: “Sometimes you have to have patience with things that annoy you.”
GABRIELLE: “Oh I never said she annoyed me.”
XENA: “I wasn’t talking to you.”
GABRIELLE: “Oh funny very, very funny.”
XENA: “There’s a road on the other side of those trees. I’ll meet you there, bring Argo.”
GABRIELLE: “You go on, we’ll catch up.”
XENA: “Be nice! Make sure the saddle’s tight.”
GABRIELLE: “Make sure the saddle’s tight? Hmm.”
GIRL: “Hey! Are you Xena?”
XENA: “Yes.”
GIRL: “Thank the gods.

The girl burp

GIRL: Sorry! Talmadeus is trying to take Lord Seltzer. He’s attacking the factory. You have to save him.”
XENA: “Calm down. Who’s Lord Seltzer?”
GIRL: “He’s the most wonderfu, giving, unselfish man the gods ever sent to our valley.”
GABRIELLE: “Hey this is good. See I knew we could get along.”
GIRL: “Please.”
GABRIELLE: “Xena will be so surprised.”
XENA: Whistles
GABRIELLE: “You stupid, conniving, four-foot daughter of an mare?!”
XENA: “All right.”
LIEUTENANT: “We have him! Talmadeus will reward us all tonight. You see he wanted your head by nightfall. It’s gonna be the centerpiece on his dinner table.”
SALMONEUS: “Wouldn’t he like a nice bunch of flowers instead? Orchids are lovely this time of year and I look terrible with an apple in my mouth.”
LIEUTENANT: “Burn it down! Swords!”

Fight

SALMONEUS: “Xena! Oh Xena! A little help here! Important person being kidnapped! Hello!”
XENA: Whistles

 


ACT I

SALMONEUS: “To make this work, we have orders for this water. We need back-up.”
GABRIELLE: “You know what this is? It’s water fizzy water. He’s making money selling water.”
XENA: “Salmoneus!”
SALMONEUS: “Ix-nay on the Almoneus-Say. Here I’m known as ‘Lord Seltzer.’”
XENA: “Salmoneus ”
SALMONEUS: “Shh!”
XENA: “Why is Talmadeus after you?”
SALMONEUS: “He’s after my secret elixir. You see when I came to this town, the people had no zip, no energy. I mean let’s face it their get up and go just kind of lay there and Ptthhh! But after my magic elixir, they felt better. Productivity went up, living conditions improved.”
XENA: “What did you sell to Talmadeus?”
SALMONEUS: “Me? I never sold! I all right one little transaction. I, I, I sold him some ah "

Salmoneus clears throat

SALMONEUS: talcamite swords and belt buckles.”
GABRIELLE: “What’s talcamite?”
XENA: “It looks and feels like metal until it gets wet and then it dissolves.”
SALMONEUS: “Well how did I know it was gonna rain on the big battle?! Anyway the swords and belt buckles melted.”
GABRIELLE: “One big, naked defeat?”
SALMONEUS: “It wasn’t pretty. He’s not gonna stop until he has me drawn and quartered. You’ve gotta get me out of here please.”
XENA: “We’re not leaving these people at the mercy of Talmadeus,he’ll kill them all.”
SALMONEUS: “Xena please. Oww! Gorney! Watch that water pressure will ya?! If you want something done right, you gotta buy the right people.”
GABRIELLE: “How does he manage to do that? Stay alive. He must have a guardian Moray or something. OK so what’s the plan?”
XENA: “The plan is to make Talmadeus realize what he’s up against.”
LIEUTENANT: “Lord Talmadeus.”
TALMADEUS: “Where is Salmoneus?”
LIEUTENANT: “We had him at his factory when this, this woman showed up. She fought with the strength of Ares and the speed of Hermes.”
TALMADEUS: “Xena!”
SOLDIER: Screams
TALMADEUS: “Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. I must have Salmoneus.”
LIEUTENANT: “Is that wise? I mean with Xena in the picture. What if she wants Salmoneus too?”
TALMADEUS: “This man’s blood is mine not Xena’s. He made defeat out of certain victory, he made a fool of my army, he made a fool of me! If I have to go through a dozen Xena’s to get my hands on his scrawny neck, I will!”
LIEUTENANT: “Stay in formation! Keep your eyes open!”
SOLDIER: “Yes sir.”
LIEUTENANT: Yells!

Fight

TALMADEUS: “Xena!”
GABRIELLE: “Something’s wrong. What’s happening? No!”
TALMADEUS: “I’m the man who killed Xena!”
GABRIELLE: “OK.”
XENA: Whistles
XENA: “Go Argo.
GABRIELLE: “Go! Go! Go!”
TALMADEUS: “Did you see that? I had her. I had her.”
LIEUTENANT: “Maybe it’s a trap.”
TALMADEUS: “No I saw the fear in her eyes. She’s run for her life.”
GABRIELLE: “This was really a stupid time to try to keep something from me.”
XENA: “I didn’t know how much Talmic poison was on the dart.”
GABRIELLE: “It doesn’t matter. If there was even a chance of your being sick, you should’ve told me. You could’ve gotten killed!”
XENA: “Gabrielle yell at me later.”
GABRIELLE: “How bad is it?”
XENA: “I still don’t know. My legs are almost useless. I can’t feel my feet. My arms’ll probably go next.”
GABRIELLE: “You’re gonna pull through right? I mean it’s not ”
XENA: “It’s gonna get worse before it gets better.”
SALMONEUS: “OK I’ve been thinking about things and I’ve made some decisions.”
GABRIELLE: “You have?”
SALMONEUS: “Yes. Somebody has to take charge. Someone has to have the initiative to get us out of this mess. Somebody has to take command. Now any ideas where we can find this person huh?”
GABRIELLE: “We’ve got the person. Xena’s gonna be all right.”
SALMONEUS: “Yeah, I know that, you know that but Talmadeus has a different slant on the thing. He thinks you are, well the way you are.”
XENA: “Then we’ll just have to convince him that I’m OK.”
SALMONEUS: “Uh-huh and you propose to do that exactly how?”
GABRIELLE: “Oh, no.”

Gabrielle is dresses in Xena's armour

GABRIELLE: “So what do you think?”

 


ACT II
GABRIELLE: “OK, so it’s a little big. Uh well tighten it for me.”
XENA: “Talmadeus is sure to attack us and when he does, we’ll be ready. When Gabrielle makes her appearance as me, it should be enough.”
GABRIELLE: “So, I just stand there and I,I wave this fake chakram and give that yell-thingy of yours.”
SALMONEUS: “And can you give that yell-thingy?”
GABRIELLE: “Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi!”
SALMONEUS: “This is not gonna fool Talmadeus.”
GABRIELLE: “Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi!”
SALMONEUS: “See now that could work!”
XENA: “Salmoneus go round up your workers we don’t have much time.”
SALMONEUS: “Done.”
GABRIELLE: “Come here. Now Gabrielle listen carefully. Now I know you’ve been in battles before but this one is different. I want you riding in and out of there quickly.”
GABRIELLE: “Riding? That would mean Argo. No she doesn’t like me.”
XENA: “She doesn’t hate you. I thought you had a pony when you were young.”
GABRIELLE: “I did. His name was Tympani.”
XENA: “Did you leave Tympani with your sister?”
GABRIELLE: “No actually he got very sick one day and will I thought he would get better but it’s just what happens with things that you love. Sometimes they just leave you.”
GABRIELLE: “Yes it’s me. Now look. We have to call a truce OK? All right now you stand back. The gallop whistle."

Gabrielle whistles

GABRIELLE: "Argo! Get up"
SALMONEUS: “Yeah see, I must have a different definition for the word uh gallop. I thought the whistle was this!"

Salmoneus whistles

A parrots whistles

SARGEANT: “How certain are we that Xena isn’t going to interfere?”
LIEUTENANT: “Ah! You saw what happened. Talmadeus defeated her. Hah-hah! She’s probably half-way to Athens by now.”
GABRIELLE AS XENA: “Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi!”
SARGEANT: “What’s that noise?”
GABRIELLE AS XENA: “Thought you’d come back for some more, did you?”
SARGEANT: “Does she seem smaller than before?”
GABRIELLE AS XENA: “This is your only warning either leave this valley forever or suffer the wrath of Xena! Up Argo!

Gabrielle whistles

GABRIELLE AS XENA: Up Argo! I always bow to my enemies before I destroy them!”
LIEUTENANT: “She’s bluffing. Get her!”

Gabrielle whistles


GABRIELLE AS XENA: “Come on. This is your last warning!”
LIEUTENANT: “The man who gets her, gets her! By Talmadeus’ orders!”
GABRIELLE AS XENA: “Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi!”

Fight

LIEUTENANT: “Get her! Get her!”
XENA: “Ready!”
LIEUTENANT: “Get her!”
GORNEY: “Jugs up!”
XENA: “Now!”
GORNEY: “Shake! Aim!”
LIEUTENANT: “Huh! Uh-oh.”
GORNEY: “Fire! Advance! Fire!”
LIEUTENANT: “Ahhhhh! Retreat!”
GABRIELLE: “Xena!”
GIRL: “I can’t tell you how much we appreciate what you’re doing here.”
GORNEY: “We don’t have much to offer but it’s all yours for the asking it. Lord Seltzer means the world to us.”
XENA: “That’s OK. I’m sure Lord Seltzer is more concerned with his people than with himself.”
SALMONEUS: “Huh?”
XENA: “Ah?”
SALMONEUS: “Oh! Oh, indeed, indeed. Now I’d like all the corks stored and inventoried OK? To the cork room very good. Hah-hah!”
SALMONEUS: “Sweet people not a business brain among ‘em. If you just give me a few moments to make my peace with the gods please.”
GABRIELLE: “I made sure the guards were posted.”
XENA: “Good now let’s get everybody out of the factory. Tell them to go home, board up their houses and stay inside. Talmadeus’ focus right now is here.”
GABRIELLE: “Xena can you just stop thinking of everybody else for a second? There’s gotta be something I can do for you.”
XENA: “Don’t worry about me. What did I tell you? Focus. We’ve got Talmadeus on his heels. You need to hit him at his camp. A direct attack will really make him cautious. Take these.”
GABRIELLE: “Xena are you gonna die?”
XENA: “It’s not about me. It’s about these people. That’s why we’re here. People like this used to be my victims. I keep that in mind every time we come up against a warlord like Talmadeus. It’s the greater good remember that. Gabrielle if it does happen I want to be taken back home to be buried next to my brother, Lyceus. Go on, now. I’ll be here when you get back.”
TALMADEUS: “I don’t care if she is back. She’s not gonna keep me from Salmoneus. I’ve beaten her once I can do it again.”
GABRIELLE AS XENA:“Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi!”
SOLDIERS: “Incoming! Fire! We’re under attack! Put out the fires! Go! Full your helmets.”
TALMADEUS: “It’s Xena!”
GABRIELLE AS XENA: “Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi!”
SOLDIER: “Save the weapons!”
GABRIELLE AS XENA: “Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi! Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi!”
TALMADEUS: “Don’t panic you fools! Get organized! Save my tent first! Get those guards in position!
GABRIELLE AS XENA: “Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi! yearr! yearr! Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi! yearr! yearr! ”

Gabrielle as Xena coughs

TALMADEUS: You’re not Xena! Laughs ”

 


ACT III
XENA: “Where is it?

Fight

XENA: "I hate uninvited guests.”

Fight then Xena passes out

TALMADEUS: “So it was all a trick. Xena was covering for some weakness. I almost fell for it. Brilliant.”
GABRIELLE: “Maybe you’re falling for it right now. Maybe my being captured is the trick. Have you thought about that?”
TALMADEUS: “I can’t help but admire your bravery. Too bad I have to kill you.”
GABRIELLE: “Y you don’t have to.”
TALMADEUS: “Oh, don’t worry; you’ll soon have plenty of company on Charon’s boat. I’ll make it quick.”
GABRIELLE: “Yeah!”
SOLDIERS: “Kill the horse!” “Hah you’re not gonna kick me, you stupid horse!”
GABRIELLE: “Go! Ya! Go, Argo! Go!”
LIEUTENANT: “Get the horses!”
TALMADEUS: “No! Don’t waste the effort.”
GABRIELLE: “Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi!
SALMONEUS: “Oh somebody konked me. Xena? Xena. This is a trick right? Come on. Proud warrioress I will miss you.”
TALMADEUS: “Any word from Kalus?”
LIEUTENANT: “Ah, no sir nothing. Maybe the Warrior Princess is still alive.”
TALMADEUS: “That’s the kind of talk that paralyzed this army. That’s exactly what Xena wanted. This entire valley is mine for the taking. And it’s time I started.”
GABRIELLE: “Xena! Xena, we’ve got trouble!”
SALMONEUS: “Wait a second.”
GABRIELLE: “Salmoneus get out of my way!”
SALMONEUS: “Wait a second!”
GABRIELLE: “What? No.”
SALMONEUS: “OK there’s nothing we can do here. We’ve gotta get out of here. That’s what I think. What do you think?”
GABRIELLE: “If we can move these barrels, we can make a defensive wall that will take days to breech.”
SALMONEUS: “Defense? Breech?”
GABRIELLE: “And when you’re done with that, gather as much wood as you can without leaving the area.”
SALMONEUS: “How long can these people hold out against Talmadeus’ army?”
GABRIELLE: “Long enough for me to get to Labottie I think Iolaus is there.”
SALMONEUS: “If you’re leaving this valley, I am coming with you. I am not gonna be killed. Talmadeus will do both of us.”
GABRIELLE: “This is not about you or me, Salmoneus. It’s about these people. Now, that’s why we’re here why Xena was here. We are staying and fighting for the greater good. Get to work.”
GABRIELLE: “I have to focus. I have to focus. Xena said to focus.”
SALMONEUS: “All right I know what I have to do.”
SALMONEUS: “Take me, take Xena and, and let the people go. You’re a man of your word right? Oww! Just checking.”
TALMADEUS: “Now where’s Xena?”
XENA: “She’s at the factory. She’s dead. Now remember we have a deal right?”
TALMADEUS: “Yes, yes don’t worry. I’m an honorable man as you say go. Lead my army to Xena. Bring her and the villagers here. When I know she’s truly dead, then I’ll let everyone go. Salmoneus, Xena dead and a whole village of slaves to be sold it’s turned out to be a good day.”

 


ACT IV
SALMONEUS: “OK I fulfilled my end of the bargain. Now make me proud to have done business with you and let these people go.”
TALMADEUS: “Bring out Xena’s body.”
SOLDIERS: “You heard him. Right.”
TALMADEUS: “Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Who killed Xena?”
SALMONEUS: “I uh, I don’t know.”
TALMADEUS: “You don’t know. It’s obvious and soon the entire world will know. I killed her! The great Talmadeus has taken down the Warrior Princess. But business is business and a good businessman just gives what he is given. You gave me talcamite weapons and I lost a battle. I’m giving back. Now selling these people of yours to the slavers is good business.”
SALMONEUS: “We had a deal! Hey!”
TALMADEUS: “Bring out the horses. Let’s tear this carcass limb from limb.”

Gabrielle fights Talmadeus’s army

TALMADEUS: “I like her spirit.”

Gabrielle fights Talmadeus’s army

GABRIELLE: “I’m taking my friend and we’re leaving. Got it?!”
TALMADEUS: “You fight well. I might ask you to join.”
GABRIELLE: “I’m taking her home to her brother.”
TALMADEUS: “I can see you’re determined.”

Gabrielle whistles

GABRIELLE: “Put her on the horse now!”
TALMADEUS: “How long do you think you can keep this up? The moment your head turns, the moment your eyes flicker, I’ve got you and you know it. You don’t even know how to hold a sword. You people are pathetic! Such nobility, such a complete waste of time. Tie Xena to the horses! All right finish it! That’s Xena’s horse kill it." TALMADEUS: Xena?!”
SALMONEUS: “Xena?!”
GABRIELLE: “Xena!”
XENA: “Don’t you ever touch my horse again.”

Fight

TALMADEUS: “Get her!”
SALMONEUS: “Yeah!”
GABRIELLE: “Glad to have you back. Don’t you ever do this again.”
XENA: “Gabrielle, we’re in the middle of a fight!”
SALMONEUS: “Go! Leave, quick, run, quickly!”
TALMADEUS: “At least I get my revenge on you.”
XENA: “Think again.”
SALMONEUS: “Thank you!”
TALMADEUS: “I’m glad you’re not dead. It would have robbed me of this.”
XENA: “Well it would have saved me from your breath.”
XENA: “I’m glad to see you two are getting along.”
GABRIELLE: “Well the best of friends are made in strange situations and Argo’s OK. I mean at least I know she doesn’t hate me. She’s still too tall though and I am angry with you. I mean, I really thought that you were you know.”
XENA: “I was. Talmic poison shuts everything down. I had to go under with it just to fight the effects. I didn’t expect to be under it so long though.”
GABRIELLE: “You still don’t know who hit you with that dart.”
XENA: “Whoever it was, sure knew what they were doing. We just have to figure out why. Gabrielle when you thought I was dead you risked your life to try and take me back home.”
GABRIELLE: “It was your last wish. For all that you’ve given me and all the times that you saved my life, I would go to Tatarus and back just to carry it out.”
XENA: “I used to wonder whether I’d ever make it back, ‘n’ now I know that one way or another, I’m going home one day. Thank you.”
GABRIELLE: “Change the subject. I’m gonna get all soft on you.”
XENA: “We wouldn’t want that would we? Hmm?”

 


Fade To Black
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