The Furies

ACT I

GABRIELLE: "Go!"
XENA: "This thing is great! And to think I've only been using it all these years as a weapon!"
GABRIELLE: "Xena, you're acting really strange."
XENA: "Don't be ridiculous, Mavis. Alley oop, Argo! Hey, I like this. I can see where I've been!"
GABRIELLE: "You, Xena now that that warrior said that there's a bounty on your head. Don't you wanna know what that's about?"
XENA: "Love to. But I don't think he's gonna tell me anything."
GABRIELLE: "Why don't you put the pinch on him? Snickers"
XENA: "Hah! I've cut off the flow of blood to your brain and other pertinent body parts. So, tell me how old were you when you lost your virginity?"
GABRIELLE: "Xena."
XENA: "Shut up, Mavis this is important."
RUFINUS: "Fourteen."
XENA: "Come on."
RUFINUS: "OK, OK nineteen, nineteen."
XENA: "See, Mavis, all you have to do is act nicely."
GABRIELLE: "Quick! Tell us who put the bounty on Xena's head."
RUFINUS: "The priest."
GABRIELLE: "What priest?"
RUFINUS: "The temple of the Furies."
GABRIELLE: "The Furies?"
XENA: "All right, all right. Here's one for you. What is the capital of Assyria?"
GABRIELLE: "Xena, take the pinch off him, now!"
XENA: "Well, all right but I think there's still more he could tell us."
GABRIELLE: "Where are you going?"
XENA: "To get something to eat. I'm starved."
GABRIELLE: "What about the Furies?"
XENA: "They can get their own."
GABRIELLE: "Xena, I think something terrible has happened to you. You're not thinking clearly."
XENA: "Well, you know how I am when I miss breakfast."
GABRIELLE: "No. Look. I think the Furies are punishing you for something. Legend has it they punish with persecution which explains the bounty and the madness."
XENA: "Madness?"
GABRIELLE: "Yes."
XENA: "I've never felt better!"
GABRIELLE: "Let's go to the temple of the Furies and find out what's going on."
XENA: "No."
GABRIELLE: "Please, Xena Will you do it for me? Please?"
XENA: "OK. Go, horsey!" "Yee Haa"
GABRIELLE: "There are many crimes which the Furies punish with madness."
XENA: "Why are you telling me this? I'm not crazy. What do you think?"
GABRIELLE: "I think we have a serious problem here Xena."
GABRIELLE: "I could lose the daisies."
GABRIELLE: "It's not your look that I'm talking about. It's what's going on inside your head."
XENA: Laughs "You don't wanna go there it's terrifying."
GABRIELLE: "Doesn't that concern you?"
XENA: "What do you think? It's too leafy?"
GABRIELLE: "I think I'm gonna get some sleep."
GABRIELLE: Whispers "Xena."
XENA: "Look at you the guilt, the shame. It's stamped on your faces clear as mud. And I won't let you get away with it. I'm here to avenge your heinous crimes. I've come to take retribution!"
GABRIELLE: "Xena?"
XENA: "I've come to take retribution in flames!"
GABRIELLE: "What are you doing?"
XENA: "Delivering the wrath of justice. These people are evil incarnate. They must burn."
GABRIELLE: "Xena, what have they done?"
XENA: "What have they done?, can't you see the women and children?! They've crucified the women and children!"
GABRIELLE: "Xena Xena, the only people here are women and children. Xena, they're afraid of you."
XENA: Cries
GABRIELLE: Whispers "Give me the torch."
XENA: "I'm in trouble, aren't I, Gabrielle?"
GABRIELLE: "No we'll get through this. Gabrielle covers Xena with a blanket Xena, we have to get to the temple of the Furies."
XENA: "The Furies right. I'm sorry."
GABRIELLE: "Xena pull yourself together."
XENA: "Pull my finger."
LYSIS: "Who's there?" Ah, the Warrior Princess. You've heard about the bounty, I take it."
XENA: "The price on my head? Oh, yes. Well, if it's my head you want, then take it, cause frankly, it's driving me crazy!"
GABRIELLE: "What's going on with my friend?"
LYSIS: "The Furies have punished her with both persecution and madness. They must be appalled by her crime."
GABRIELLE: "What is it?"
LYSIS: "A breach of duty that the Furies are bound to punish."
GABRIELLE: "So, what does she have to do?"
LYSIS: "Avenge the murder of a member of her family."
XENA: Yells "Anyone who says that I didn't avenge the murder of my brother is a liar."
GABRIELLE: "Xena!"
XENA: "His killer died at my hands."
LYSIS: "Not your brother."
GABRIELLE: "Who, then?"
LYSIS: "Your father."
XENA: "My father?"

ACT II

LYSIS: "Yes he was murdered."
GABRIELLE: "By who?"
LYSIS: "That I don't know. a's punishment will continue until this crime is avenged."
GABRIELLE: "Xena do you wanna sit down? Xena! Wait! Come back!"

Xena is running through the forest and babbing

XENA: "Bacchus Bacchus."

Xena is running through the forest, babbing and fighting things that are not really there.

GABRIELLE: "No! It's me! It's it's me. It's Gabrielle."
XENA: "To the gods."
GABRIELLE: "Now, put that down."
GABRIELLE: "Xena! Look."
XENA: "To the gods."
GABRIELLE: "Listen to me."
XENA: "We're worthless insects."
GABRIELLE: "Xena, I'm gonna help you."
XENA: "They're gonna kill us."
GABRIELLE: "I'll help you if you let me. I can help Xena, listen! Xena we have to find out who murdered your father!"
XENA: babbing
GABRIELLE: "Xena, if we can bring him to justice, we can satisfy the Furies, Xena."
XENA: babbing
GABRIELLE: "This is what happened to Orestes! Xena, he didn't avenge his father either!"
XENA: "You know, to the gods we are nothing but dirty little beetles and they'll kill us for their sport. Well I'm sorry, Gabrielle; you can't come with me but I can't be trusted, you know?"
XENA: "You behave yourself. I'm rather ashamed of you."
XENA: You behave, or you don't get to come with us."
RUFINUS: "She's coming right at us. Come on, guys. She's a babbling idiot. She doesn't even know we're here."

Xena defeats Rufinus, then walks off making a crowing sound.

WOMAN: "Xena."
WOMAN: "Oh, she looks so strange."
MAN: "What's wrong with her?"
CYRENE: "Xena What happened?"
GABRIELLE: "Cyrene"
CYRENE: "She's been driven mad by the Furies."
GABRIELLE: "She was able to tell you that?"
CYRENE: "No she's incoherent. But ever since I heard what the Furies did to Orestes, I've been hoping against hope this day'd never arrive."
GABRIELLE: "So, you know what happened to her father."
CYRENE: "He was murdered."
GABRIELLE: "Cyrene do you know who did it? Cyrene?"
CYRENE: "Yes."
GABRIELLE: "We have to know. Maybe then we can bring the murderer to justice and satisfy the Furies."
CYRENE: "Gabrielle do you think that Xena even in this state could kill her mother?"
GABRIELLE: "What?"
CYRENE: "I killed Xena's father."

ACT III

CYRENE: "Xena was seven. Her father came home from the temple of Ares drunk and angry. He told me Xena had to die. He was very confused Xena. The priest at the temple must have told him to sacrifice you to Ares. Your father was very dedicated to the god of war. I told him that I wouldn't let him do that. He said he'd kill me too then. He went to the stables to sharpen a knife. He was so methodical the way he planned to kill his own daughter. I took an axe and I stopped him."
GABRIELLE: "This is the same mess that Orestes was in."
CYRENE: "Yes, the circumstances are the same. His mother killed his father and so his obligation, according to the code of the Furies, was to kill his mother."
GABRIELLE: "Did it work?"
CYRENE: "I don't know. I heard he still lives in a village not far from here Andreas."
GABRIELLE: "Maybe I can find him. Maybe I can find a way to get us out of this."
CYRENE: "Perhaps."
GABRIELLE: "Then I'm off to Andreas. Xena? Look I know you're in there. Hey we're gonna get through this. You know we always do."
XENA: "So Mama killed Papa. Doesn't matter. You were trying to save my life right? I should be grateful. But you have to admit you did put me in something of a jam didn't you? I have an interesting choice now. I can kill you or I can spend the rest of my life shuttling between babbling idiocy and vivid clarity. Did you know that sanity is just a veil that the gods throw over our eyes to stop us from seeing the truth?"
CYRENE: "What is the truth Xena?"
XENA: "That life is a joke! It's a barroom joke at that! And you know what the punchline is? The punchline is that no matter what we do, we still end up as food for the worms. Mother, there really is only one way out of this."
CYRENE: "Go ahead do it."
XENA: "Oh, no, no. You don't get out of it that easy. I leave you to entertain the gods. I am retiring from the stage."
CYRENE: "Xena."
XENA: "Mother, I am a lunatic with lethal combat skills. If I stay around here much longer some innocent people are gonna get killed. I'm doing them a favor."
ARES: "Xena what are you doing?"
XENA: "Why am I not surprised to find that you have an interest in all this?"
ARES: "Of course, I do. You're my favorite. I don't wanna see you throw yourself off some cliff. If for no other reason, it's such a tastelessly melodramatic way out of this life."
XENA: "Ah, but I'm quite batty Ares and I have limited choices. Madness is a rotten way to go through life."
ARES: "Now Xena? Don't do that. There is another solution."
XENA: "Killing Mommy? No, I don't think so."
ARES: "Well, I heard what you said to your mother. And you were right of course what you said about life."
XENA: "I was ranting."
ARES: "Like a prophet. Xena you were never so close to the truth."
XENA: "If you're trying to convince me that life's worth living, this is not a good strategy."
ARES: "No life isn't worth living. It's to be taken and beaten, and wrestled, and formed in your image. That's where the meaning lies in what you can twist life into. For those who just endure life, yeah it is a very nasty joke. But for those who form it with their will, the joke is on those who get in the way."
XENA: "I must be crazy. You're beginning to make sense."
ARES: "This melodrama with your family put it all behind you. You don't know how common it is for a jealous man to try and punish his wife by hurting the child. Do you understand what I'm saying to you?"
XENA: "Yes, I think I do."
ARES: "Satisfy the Furies. Give your mother to the worms. You are on the brink of ultimate freedom, Xena. Do it. You'll be reborn into a world of true choice beyond good and evil. And not only will you regain your sanity but you'll see the world as few have seen it as a playground to your will. Now, do it."
XENA: "But how will the Furies know if I do it?"
ARES: "They'll know."
XENA: "But how?"
ARES: "They'll know."
XENA: "You expect me to trust you? I'm crazy I'm not stupid. If I'm gonna whack Mamma, I wanna get something out of it. I want to know that the Furies are watching!"
ARES: "They'll see it. It's a god thing."
XENA: "I won't do it unless it's in front of the Furies!"
ARES: "All right it can be arranged."
XENA: "Good, I'll get Mom."
CYRENE: "Xena, you're all right."
XENA: "I'm anything but all right Mother."
CYRENE: "Yes, of course. I'm so sorry this happened to you. Maybe Gabrielle'll find a "
XENA: "Stop it! Gabrielle couldn't save a cat in a sack without me. She's a useless little pissant really, now that I see things clearly."
CYRENE: "That's not true. And I don't think you're seeing things clearly at all."
XENA: "No matter. I'm crazy and you're dead. Let's go."
CYRENE: "What are you saying?!"
XENA: "Don't push it with me Mother."
CYRENE: "Xena if that's what you feel you have to do "
XENA: "Oh the self-sacrificing mother. That's such a tired cliche'. Tell me, Mother. When you and Daddy were rolling around like a pair of crazed weasels, was it good?"
CYRENE: "Please, Xena. Let's just get this over with."
XENA: "I have a right to know about the act that brought me into this miserable world."
CYRENE: "I will not talk about that!"
XENA: "I'm losing patience with you."
CYRENE: "Your father was away at war. Suddenly, one night, he was there with me and yes, it was good!"
XENA: "Thank you Mother. As you say let's get this over with."
GABRIELLE: "I don't understand. This is an asylum. Are you sure we're talking about the same man?"
KEEPER: "That's right. Here he is see for yourself."
GABRIELLE: "Orestes? So he didn't do it."
KEEPER:"Didn't do what?"
GABRIELLE: "He didn't avenge his father's murder."
KEEPER:"Oh yeah he did. He killed his mother, Clytemnestra."
GABRIELLE: "But I thought that "
KEEPER: "That he'd be liberated from his madness if he killed his mother?"
GABRIELLE: "Yeah."
KEEPER:"Ahh it's all a lie. If they persecuted him for not avenging his father's murder, what were they going to do to him for killing his mother? There was no way out for him."
ARES: "Furies hear me! I, Ares, god of war, demand your presence at this act of redemption!"
ALECTO: "She's the murderess? And the avenging party?"
XENA: Yells

ACT IV

GABRIELLE: "Don't! Xena, it won't do any good!"
XENA: "Sometimes, that is the only way to shut her up."
ARES: "Is there a problem Xena?"
XENA: "Why am I doing this?"
ARES: "She killed your father. You have to avenge his death or the Furies will torment you for eternity. Yadda, yadda, yadda go."
XENA: "All right. She killed my father?"
ARES: "Yes! Murdered him in cold blood. Show her no mercy."
XENA: "But how could she kill my father when my father is very much alive? Right, Daddy?"
ARES: "If you've noticed, she is crazy."
XENA: "Yeah, I'm completely out of my gourd, and I might cut Mommy up later, just for fun but not because she killed my father. Because you're my father. Look at that hunk of burning love you had, Mom."
ARES: "This is nonsense. Don't you think Cyrene might have mentioned this before now?"
XENA: "That's not a very good explanation Daddy. Gabrielle, tell him. Do the bard thing."
GABRIELLE: "The legends say that Ares takes the form of his warriors and he visits their wives while they're away at battle."
XENA: "Mom tell him."
CYRENE: "The night Xena was conceived my husband came home unexpectedly from war."
ARES: "This is ridiculous."
XENA: "Do you ladies eavesdrop on us whackos when you're tormenting us?"
ALECTO: "Frequently, yes."
XENA:"Did you hear that little chit chat that Daddy and I had on the cliff when he thought I was gonna throw myself over? Had you going there didn't I? Well, did you?"
ALECTO: "Yes."
XENA:"You ladies do dress the part, don't you? Did you wonder why Ares used the word 'jealous' when referring about my alleged father?"
ALECTO: "That was odd. Why jealous?"
ARES: "I mean, he was jealous in the attention Cyrene showed Xena. It's a common phenomenon."
XENA:"Oh. Now, here's my theory. Ares and Mom do their thing; she gets ripe with me; and then, shortly after that, her husband comes home from war, and he thinks that his manhood did the trick. Well, I pop out, and he thinks he's my father. Well, things go on like this for years, and then one night, at the Temple of Ares, someone maybe a drunken priest maybe you spills the beans. A jealous rage ensues. Mom does her thing
with the axe, and hah! Here we are."
ARES: Laughs "You're not buying any of this. I am not the father."
ALECTO: "Why would he go to all this trouble just to drive you insane?"
ARES: "Huh? Huh?"
XENA:"Because a mad Xena would be more sympathetic to his quaint world view. And you were right. I meant it when I said that you were beginning to make sense to me. But the best bit the best bit of all and this is a proud daughter talking is when I kill Mom thereby dooming myself forever to insanity and complete dependence on you. I have ways to prove it."
ALECTO: "What's that?"
XENA:"We fight. If I'm half god, I should be able to hold my own. And if I'm not well, surely the god of war will win."
ARES: "This is ridiculous."
ALECTO: "What are you afraid of, Ares?"
XENA:"Me snickers 'cause he knows that I'm half god and all crazy."

Fight throughout

XENA:"Hey, come on, you two you're not gonna get it again, are you? I'm gonna use you as a shield, Gabrielle just kidding. I win! Struts around, cheering herself Well I think I've proved my point. Girls, he's been giving you rotten fruit. Well, as I was say, I think I've proved my point."
ALECTO: "Agreed."
XENA:"Mother."
ALECTO: "Zeus and the other gods will hear about this betrayal of a sacred trust."
ARES: "Aah."
ALECTO: "We'll talk later about the fruit."
ARES: "I've been on the outs with the family before. They need me. You don't really think I'm your father, do you?"
XENA:"It doesn't matter. The Furies think you are. That's all that counts."
ARES: Claps "That was brilliant. If I was your father, I'd be very very proud of you. I still don't get what you see in her."
GABRIELLE: "Here."
XENA:"Great."
GABRIELLE: "Xena you knew what your mom would say about the night of your conception. And you knew exactly what I would say. Well, I
don't know if I like being that predictable."
XENA:"I knew you were gonna say that."
CYRENE: "Xena your father."
GABRIELLE: "Um I'll collect some more firewood."
CYRENE: "I took him away from you."
XENA:"Mother."
CYRENE: "It seemed like the only way."
XENA:"I'm sure it was. I never really knew him. I the hardest thing for me was giving up the hope."
CYRENE: "Hope."
XENA:"I kept hoping that maybe I'd run into him somewhere. Understand understand myself. I know that will never be."
CYRENE: "Can you ever forgive me?"
XENA:"There is nothing to forgive. You saved my life. I owe you my thanks. I'm sorry that you had to carry this alone all these years. We'll go on. We'll be stronger than before."